I F   I T ’ S   P R E S S B O X ,   I T ’ S   U N B E F R E A K I N L I E V A B L E ! ! ! !

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M I C H I G A N   S L O G A N

“The Great Lakes State” was so 80’s & “Pure Michigan” was nice at first but after 7 years it’s getting a little long in the tooth.  Searching for a new tourism promoting slogan to attract aging boomers & millennials alike, the Michigan Visitor & Tourism Bureau recently tapped the Pressbox Productions Marketing Division to come up with a new, edgier slogan.

Some of the leading candidates are listed below.  To vote on your favorite go to www.weresorryfortednugent/michigan.org.

Michigan, The Snow Me State!

No Dumbass, Your Other Left Hand!

Michigan, Where Used Cars From Florida Bring Top Dollar!

Michigan, So Close to Canada You Can Hardly Tell The Difference!

Michigan, The First Line of Defense Against a Canadian Invasion!

Michigan, More Than Just Boarded-Up Auto Plants!

Got Fudge?

Happiness Is A Warm Pasty!

Michigan, We’ll Let You Know When It’s Really Spring!

Michigan, Official Mosquito Supplier to The USA!

Michigan, So Cold Teenage Boys Keep Their Pants Pulled Up!

Michigan, Get Sunburn & Frostbite in The Same Week!

Michigan, Not As Flat As Indiana!

Michigan, Just Try Eating Breakfast Without Us!

Michigan, Our Bridge Makes Yours Look Like A Nancy Boy!

Michigan, Almost Went to War With Ohio Once.  Will Do It Again If They Start Any Crap!

Michigan, No Riots In Detroit Since ’67!

Michigan, Some Parts Are North Of Canada!

Michigan, The Land of 2 Seasons, Winter & Road Construction!

Michigan, We Know The Rules to Euchre!

Michigan, We Shovel Snow Just To Make Room For More Piles of Snow!

Michigan, Where Summer’s The Nicest Week of The Year!

Get Smitten With The Mitten!

Michigan, Don’t Make Us Go All Detroit On Your Ass!

F I R S T   T I M E   M I C H I G A N D E R S

Dear Diary,

August 12

Moved to our lovely new home in northern Michigan.  It’s so beautiful up here.  We got twice the house for half the price, can’t imagine why more people don’t live here.  The views are majestic.  Can hardly wait to see them with snow cover.  I absolutely love it here.

October 14

Michigan must be the most beautiful place on Earth.  The leaves are turning a million shades of red, gold & orange.  Went for a drive through the beautiful hills & saw lots of deer.  They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animals on Earth.  This is paradise, I love it here.

November 15

Deer season opened today.  I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature.  Hope it will snow soon.  I love it here.

November 16

It snowed last night!  Woke up to find everything blanketed in white.  It looks like a postcard.  We went outside & brushed the snow off the steps & shoveled the driveway, what fun & really good exercise.  We had a snowball fight (I won) & when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again.  What a beautiful place.  I love Michigan.

December 12

More snow last night, several beautiful inches this time.  I love it.  The snowplow did his cute little trick again to the driveway.  But I love it here.

December 19

More snow last night.  Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work.  I'm totally exhausted from shoveling.  That darn snowplow.

December 22

More of the white crap fell last night.  I've got blisters on both hands from shoveling.  I think the snowplow hides around the curve & waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway.  Idiot!

December 25

Merry Stinking Christmas!  More freaking snow.  If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard.  Don't know why they don't just use more salt on the roads to melt the damned ice.

December 27

More white crap last night.  Been inside for 3 days except for shoveling the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time.  Can't go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of frozen snow.  The weatherman says to expect another 10" again tonight.  Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is?

December 28

GD weatherman was wrong.  We got 34" of the white shit this time & it’s 28 degrees BELOW zero.  At this rate it won't melt before next July.  The snowplow got stuck up the road & that dumbass came to our door & asked to borrow my shovel.  After I told him I had broken 4 shovels already shoveling all the mammoth icebergs he pushed into our driveway, I broke my last one over his pointy head.

January 4

Finally got out of the house today for the first time in over a week.  Went to the store to get food & on the way back a stupid deer ran in front of the car & I hit it.  Did $1,400 damage to the car.  Those ugly beasts should be killed.  Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

February 18

Blew out a %$#/ing tire on my car yesterday when I hit a pothole the size of Lake Michigan!  Bent the rim & threw the whole damn front end out of alignment.  The garage can't fix it for a while because they have too many cars ahead of me!

March 12

It’s snowed at least 6” every day for 2 weeks straight, running out of places to pile the stuff.  I now know what cabin fever is. I’M LOSING MY FREAKING MIND!!!

May 3

Can you believe we're still getting more %$#/ing snow?!!  It's springtime for Christ’s sake!!  The flowers are already blooming! Where's that snow shovel?

May 9

Finally got the car in the garage.  Would you believe the thing is rusting out from all that stupid salt they put on the roads!  Cheap-ass Ford, shoulda bought a Toyota.

May 16

Moved to Florida.  Sold the house at a huge loss!  Can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would live in that God-forsaken frozen wasteland.

SIGN, SIGN, EVERYWHERE A SIGN

(MICHIGAN EDITION)

WAIT.....

WHAT?

ONLY IN THE UP, EH?

SO... THE WAYSIDE IS OPEN ALL YEAR, WITH THE SINGULAR EXCEPTION OF THE PORTION OF THE YEAR (aka the season) WHEN IT’S NOT OPEN, BUT NOTWITHSTANDING THAT ONE TIME PERIOD, IT’S ALWAYS OPEN?

OK, GOT IT!

AND FINALLY, YOU’D THINK A MOTEL THAT HAS PHONES WOULD BE SO IN DEMAND THEY’D HAVE TO ACTUALLY BE “OPEN ALL YEAR.”

SO MANY ISSUES HERE..

FIRST OFF, WHO WOULD PAY TO PET CHILDREN.

IS IT REALLY LEGAL TO KEEP KIDS IN A ZOO?

MUST BE CAUSE THEY CLAIM IT’S USDA APPROVED.

WAIT, WHEN DID THE US DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE START APPROVING ZOOS?

BUT... DON’T THEY ALL?

I FAIL TO SEE THE REASON TO SINGLE OUT & HILL SHAME THIS PARTICULAR MOUND OF DIRT & ROCK.

SO YOU GOTTA BELIEVE THIS CREATES ONE HELLUVA BOAT JAM UP RIVER.

HOW FAST DO RIVERS FLOW ANYWAY?

WIKIPEDIA SAYS 4 TO 7 MPH AVG. SO YOU’D ALMOST HAVE TO BE DRAGGING AN ANCHOR TO HOLD IT DOWN TO 5 MPH WHEN GOING DOWN STREAM.

SO, IS THAT ANYTHING LIKE BEING CLOSED EERILY?

7A TO 7P?

BY MY WATCH THAT WOULD BE 12 HOUR PARKING WOULDN’T IT?

S C A V E N G E R   H U N T   R E S U L T S

I N   Q U E S T I O N ,

M A Y  R E Q U I R E   C O U R T   D E C I S I O N

While the 2016 PBP Weque Spring Nationals Scavenger Hunt ended last evening, the official declaration of a winner could be tied up in the Michigan courts for weeks to come.

It was a neck in neck battle all week with both teams holding a narrow lead at various points.  As time expired Thursday evening, Michael was claiming a 2 point victory 32 to 30 over Dana.

However, controversy over who’d been the first to spot several of the items, who got credit for items spotted simultaneously & hair splitting interpretation of some of the rules left the final outcome in doubt & sure to be headed for binding arbitration before an official winner can be announced & the $100,000 (US) first prize check is awarded.

P B P   B A B Y   S W E E P S   A W A R D S

© 2016 Pressbox Productions

REALLY?

ONLY TENNIS SHOES HUH?

THAT’S CERTAINLY GOING TO LIVEN UP THE WEQUE 4TH OF JULY MIXED DOUBLES TOURNAMENT THIS YEAR

4   M O N T H   O L D   P H E N O M

R O C K S   B O A R D I N G   W O R L D

THIS MONTH’S FEATURE:

THIS MONTH’S FEATURE:

Is this 4 month old the future of our sport?  Tony Hawk says yes, “The newb’s got the moves, the look & don’t get me started on that gnarly bitchin hat!”

R A N D O M   M I C H I G A N   S N I P P E T S